I suppose I should not be shocked that, while reading through the Psalms, I find almost every verse has application to my life. For example, Psalm 6:
"LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger, nor chasten me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away; Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. And my soul is greatly dismayed; But You, O LORD - how long? Return, O LORD, rescue my soul; save me because of Your lovingkindness. For there is no mention of You in death; In Sheol who will give You thanks? I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of all my adversaries. Depart from me, all you who do iniquity. For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping. The LORD has heard my supplication, the LORD receives my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed; they shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed."
I don't know about enemies; I suppose that some might see this as a spiritual attack. But Cameron and I, with God's leading, chose this. We chose to be separated for a time, to further his education and the life that we hope for, when he can work to support us and I can take care of our children. The reason I am still in Sammamish and he is in Cheney, is that I have a good career; my job now is to support him so he can study hard. However, I am realizing that the longing of my heart is to be near my husband. I knew this all along; I knew I would feel this way. I just didn't know how badly it would hurt. And I need to let myself cry out to the LORD!
Most days, I brush off the loneliness. I look out at the rain and gloomy sky, go to work, eat, go to the gym, come home and lie in bed alone. It seems a depressing lot. Lately, the LORD has been drawing me to Himself, though. He has whispered in my heart, "I am your comfort!" He has been calling me to call upon Him - to let Him know how I am feeling. To deeply cry out to Him. The first time I did this, I was scared. I do fear the wrath of God - not in the respect that I think He will smite me, but that He will be angry with what I am asking for. I have always been very careful with my requests to God. I started journaling my prayer to Him at night and it has been incredibly freeing! It is like I unwrapped a gift that has been waiting for me my whole life. I seem to be able to write my thoughts much clearer than I could ever express them just rambling on in my head (or speaking aloud). It keeps me in focus and directs my thoughts clearly. I find myself journaling in church now, or when I'm bored with nothing to do. Incredible - a new way of communicating with my redeeming Father!
I'm also reading another book, 'Perfect Hormone Balance for Pregnancy'. I find myself dealing with this conundrum in life many times. I get carried away so easily; you could say I am easily swayed. Cameron, especially, notices this and is very helpful at keeping me grounded, so it's difficult to 'ground myself' when he's away. Over the past week, I was telling him of what I've been reading and thinking about.
It went something like this, "I don't want to eat any red meat or fish or any dairy products or produce that is not organic while I'm pregnant. Did you know that our mouths are filled with bacteria that are potentially dangerous and toxic to a fetus? I need to brush my teeth twice a day when I'm pregnant - You should, too. The book says that you can pass on that bacteria to me by kissing me, then I could pass it on to our baby." Cameron is all the while thinking, "Whoah, crazy lady. Slow down. We're not there, yet." He told me to stop worrying and take things one step at a time. IE - pick one thing to focus on bettering in yourself and don't take it to the extreme! Thank you, hubby, for once again grounding me. I can't change the world in a day! All I want is to do my best to be healthy!
I am thanking the LORD for my strong body, today; for the blessing of having a gym that I can take my frustrations out in; for strong legs to take me all the places the LORD wants me to go; for a strong heart and strong lungs to help me push harder.