Sunday, November 11, 2012
I can't even tell you how privileged I am to be a child of our King! He is my constant supply of peace and mercy in this fallen world. He has taken my mourning and given me a spirit of joy. The idea of having this new baby has been a difficult one for me. I have felt many people's quick responses to the announcement as their judgement that this baby will replace my Levi. That has made bonding in the first few weeks a challenge. I know as time goes on that feeling this baby kick and figuring out names and planning for the future will help me ease into this. But, I just miss my first son. I am not down and out, bawling my eyes out; in fact, I very rarely shed a tear. But, my mind constantly wanders back to the day I first saw him in this world and the hopes that I had for him being crushed when I held his lifeless body. I still want so much for Levi that he'll never have. My mind knows that Levi will never come back. My heart wishes I could hold him and tell him I love him and will never forget him. I have been learning about idolatry, along with Cameron, as we have begun a home group with our neighbors, Jose and Abida. For me, this has meant thinking of how I treated my pregnancy with Levi in a whole new light. In a way, I idolized that first pregnancy. I idolized my son and the life of being a mother. I worried constantly about what we would do for childcare when I went back to work ("part-time, full-time, per diem - what should I do?"). I worried about other people holding and loving my baby. I worried about who we would allow to be influences in this child's life. I wanted control. And I had none. I only had worry. Releasing that to the LORD has been one of the most freeing things. And since I've done that, some pretty amazing things have happened. God is good. He knows my heart and only wants me to give of my life willingly. Let me tell you - it is so much better (not always easier) when I allow Him to have control in my life!