Mixed Emotions

I am not accustomed to bawling... at all.  I rarely shed a tear, and sometimes, this bothers me.  Why, the other day, I cried in Cameron's lap.  One puny, little tear.  The explanation: "I haven't cried in a really long time."

Our baby is due in about 4 weeks.  Around the same time, we will celebrate Levi's 1st birthday.  It is so strange to think that I should be toting around a babbling one year-old, who would probably be learning to walk.  I really don't think of the "should haves" very often, but big milestones like a first birthday or the birth of your second child tend to make one daydream.  I want June 2nd to be a happy, memorable day - one where we celebrate the life that was Levi and the plans God has for his lasting legacy.

Our dear friends, the Catteralls, lost their young son, John Christian, to a heart defect 14 years ago.  In October, I was invited to their home to celebrate his birthday.  The family prepared all day by baking brownies and making a delicious chili dinner.  Since John Christian's birthday happens to be on October 31, their 3 younger daughters celebrate each year by handing out little goodie bags with candy and the story of their older brother's life and death (and the continued goodness of God despite terrible circumstances).  I was so blessed to join this wonderful celebration, especially the very year we lost Levi, so that I could have a picture in my mind of what we wanted the mood to be surrounding June 2nd.  Peaceful, hopeful, and filled with the goodness and presence of our Savior!

My pregnancy with little Ethan has gone just as well as it had with Levi's.  I have the occasional heartburn, sciatic pain/weakness, and some cramping/Braxton Hicks contractions, but this young man is extremely healthy and progressing well, and I couldn't be more grateful.  June 7th is the official due date.  We're making things ready around the house.  The bathroom is being deep-cleaned by my dear mother a week from Saturday.  Ethan's room is pretty much done - only a few shelves to finish painting for the bookshelf.  But, all the necessities are there.  It's been a great deal of fun to prepare the closet, dresser, changing table, and crib.  I have been going through boxes of Levi's clothes, sorting sizes and washing, folding, and putting them away.  My friend, Ivy, gave me 2 boxes packed full of more clothes and socks, which has really blessed us.  And, to date, I've had 2 baby showers where we received so many wonderful gifts.

Today, I shopped at Fred Meyer and Target, in hopes of using up some gift cards and buying crib sheets and changing pad covers.  I must be really picky, but there were very few choices, and the choices they had seemed pretty cheap to me.  I would love for our linens to last through a few kids, and I just don't see that happening with Target sheets.  :(

As June 2nd draws closer, please remember that I love to talk about my son.  I do not mind in the least if conversation goes that direction - in fact, it blesses my heart to know that people think about him.  Levi is my son.  And just like you probably talk about your kids on a daily basis, I like to talk about mine.

It's crazy to think that life is changing all over again.  We will be welcoming a sweet, young man into our family in June.  Currently, I am up at odd hours of the night since I can't sleep.  It seems a more frequent occurrence, as my belly grows.  I would love to be in dream world right now, but instead, I'll update my blog and work on baby shower decorations for a friend's shower tomorrow (oh, wait...that would be today).  Cameron is snoozing, and I'm planning to make him a hot breakfast, which is something we almost never enjoy together anymore.

Seeing our son via ultrasound was an incredible wonder.  I now feel pregnant.  I knew I was before, but it didn't feel quite real.  Even when I started to feel him kick, I still hadn't seen his face or known whether to call him 'he' or 'she'.  We don't have a nursery, yet, and probably won't until after birth.  We plan to have little man in our room for a few months, at least.  Still, it's fun to be getting his closet ready.  :)  I had a very strong feeling this was a boy, and a couple weeks ago (with a spurt of energy), washed, dried, and hung all the newborn and 0-3 month clothes we had for Levi.  Cameron was kind enough to clear 1/2 of his dresser drawer for diapering equipment and that is prepped with newborn disposables.

In this sweet time of my life, I am not complaining about a thing.  I love that my back and hips are sore and I can't sleep at night, since I know it means that God is preparing me to be a mother again.  When Levi died, I remember friends and strangers telling me that they would never take their precious ones for granted or moan during nightly feedings or scream sessions.  That made me feel like we made a difference together and I vowed to do the same when the LORD again blessed us with children.  Levi still lives in my heart and my memories, and God is doing a wondrous miracle in bringing me to love another little boy.  We can't wait to meet him!