tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44290862313440400502024-03-07T20:33:21.060-08:00Crazy Splendid LifeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-74590976300799007352015-02-06T16:22:00.000-08:002015-02-06T18:36:01.563-08:00Connor's Birth StoryI realize that I still haven't shared Ethan's birth story. I have to dig that one out of my journal vault. In the meantime, I've been so frustrated with myself for not finishing hand-journaling Connor's birth story when I suddenly realized today that I can type a whole lot faster than I can handwrite. And, since I DO have two little ones now, I'd like to save myself some time and share what an incredible experience I had birthing Connor. <br />
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Saturday, January 10, 2015<br />
<br />
The day started like any normal day, though the night before (Friday), we met our upstairs neighbor, Helen, who is an RN and acupuncturist. She was planning to come over Saturday morning to practice acupuncture to induce labor, since I had been having false labor off and on for a few days. But, just before we went to bed, Helen and her mother (a Chinese doctor) came back to ask if they could check my radial pulses. I'm still not sure exactly what they were checking for, but Helen felt one radial pulse while her mother felt the other. After 5 whole minutes, they switched sides. Helen's mother explained that she didn't think my pulse was strong enough to support my body going into labor. Well, a bit selfishly, I am so pleased Connor was born on this very evening. I WAS strong enough to bring him into the world! <br />
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I took Ethan for a walk to Kirsten's Starbucks store. We got there around 12:15 and all walked together to Parkway Park. I played with Ethan on the slide (his favorite - it is built into the hillside), the bouncing motorcycles, and the climbing rope structure. I only felt a little achy, but I had no contractions until about 2:30PM (about an hour after we finished our walk). I did not want to chart contractions again until I knew it was the "real deal", as I had charted a whole 12 hours worth on Thursday night (staying up through the night to try to get them moving faster by being active). Kirsten called the salon for which she had purchased a Groupon haircut and was able to make an appointment for us for that afternoon at 4:45. We left Ethan with Cameron and brought some returns with us to Target. I had had a few contractions just before we left the house, but I started getting pretty uncomfortable in the car, even holding the passenger handle of Kirsten's car through some of them. I went into Target with Kirsten and breathed through some pretty uncomfortable contractions. We got back in the car and got on the freeway toward Los Gatos. We didn't even make it to Highway 17 before I told Kirsten I was not going to be able to sit through an appointment - we needed to go home. <br />
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When we got home, I texted my midwife, telling her my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart (they started this way). She called me right back, saying she was at a postpartum home visit, but that she wanted to come check on me, as contractions were really close. Then, I started dinner. I toasted some Israeli CousCous and chopped all the veggies for a CousCous salad. The cooking went a little like this: Pour oil in pan. Heat oil. Stop to breathe through contraction. Pour in CousCous. Stir for 2 minutes. Breathe through contraction. Stir some more. Contraction. Chop tomato. Contraction. Chop cucumber. Contraction. Chop red onion. Contraction. Chop olives. Go in Ethan's room to hold onto bunkbed and BREATHE. Start thinking about mixing dressing ingredients. Another bunkbed contraction. After that one, I asked Kirsten to finish the dressing for the salad. I took the stability/birthing ball into Ethan's room and bounced during the breaks, getting onto my knees for contractions and holding onto his dresser. I had charted all these contractions on my phone, so when Hope (my midwife) arrived at 5:40, I had a record to show her. She had told me to call her immediately if I started to moan through contractions. Saturday night is crazy around here, and she had a heck of time trying to park. <br />
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Shortly after Hope arrived, Cameron set up and started filling the birth tub in our bedroom. It didn't take very long. Hope checked the temperature of the water and we ended up having to cool it a bit. They both offered for me to get int the water, but because of my experience during Ethan's labor (19 hours total, probably a lot of it because I sat on my butt in the water all day and didn't move much), I didn't want to get in until the end. I asked Hope how long she expected labor to take, considering the contractions I'd already been through. "2 hours?" I asked her. She responded with big eyes and told me "Definitely within the next 2 hours." So, since the water sounded nice, I agreed to get in to try to rest my back. After a few contractions in the tub, my friend Laura came by to watch Ethan so Kirsten and Cameron could focus on me. <br />
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Funny story: Kirsten was here to be my doula (she moved here and lived with us for a month, working at Starbucks Part-Time, but letting them know she'd be taking the day off when I went into labor). But, I ended up not really needing anything from her. I thought, given my labor with Ethan that I would need a lot of emotional and mental support. And, though he has helped me tremendously through two labors before, I kind of wanted nothing to do with Cameron. He tells me I was rude and didn't want to talk to him. I feel bad about it now, but I was really in my element and nature was just taking its course. <br />
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Anyway, Laura arrived. She asked if she could come see me in the bedroom and I definitely wanted to see her! We had a full conversation in between contractions. I was still feeling so great. For the breaks, I would lean my back against the birth tub (which was up against a wall on that side) and lay back like it was my own personal recliner. Then, when contractions came, I would excuse myself from our conversation and lean over the opposite edge of the tub, letting my weight kind of fall into the cushion and gripping the outside of the tub. After a few like that, I just stayed there and went into my own little world. I didn't come back to the conversation (and I figure she knew after a few minutes that we wouldn't be talking again for a bit!). I took little sips of water that Hope handed me, but other than that, I didn't do anything until the pushing stage. <br />
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With Ethan, I probably didn't push as long as I should have. I wanted him out and I was incredibly uncomfortable at that point. But, with Connor, I wasn't nearly as uncomfortable. Perhaps since I was following my body's urges and instincts this time, I "just knew" when it was time to push, instead of reacting out of fear and uncertainty. Anyhow, I had a total of 3 real pushing contractions. I felt like I was pushing for quite a few more than that, but the midwives told me that I actually only displayed the signs of pushing for three. The first one accomplished getting him to a point where I could feel his head and his hair with my fingers. The second one, I pushed his head out. Hope held a mirror underwater for me and I got to see his face. I knew immediately he was a boy - he had manly features like Ethan did as a baby. On the third contraction, I pushed his shoulders out and the rest of him slipped into my hands. I pulled him up out of the water onto my chest at 7:27PM and leaned back into my comfortable spot. Cameron had Ethan all undressed and plopped him into the water almost right away. Ethan looked terrified - he had never really looked scared like that before and hasn't since. I thought maybe he didn't want to be there, but he came right over and wanted to console Connor from all the crying he was doing. Connor was absolutely covered in vernix (the white protective layer) and probably looked like an alien to Ethan. But, when Ethan came over, he patted Connor on the head and said, "Baby". <br />
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Ethan was so young the whole time I was pregnant and didn't really understand that concept until a few weeks before, when he would point to my belly and say "Baby!" I thought it might take him a bit to realize that I didn't have a baby there anymore once I had given birth, but because he was there for that transition, he hasn't seemed to have that problem at all. Ethan mostly ignores Connor until it's time to go somewhere or nurse, then he's right there to help with all the fussing and crying. He likes to try to help put Connor's socks or hat on, give Connor a blanket, or cover his face with a burp rag. And, I'm getting quite adept at 'Tandem Nursing'. I had planned to continue nursing Ethan after Connor was born, but I didn't really picture doing it simultaneously! <br />
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Connor's transition to this world was smooth until about 3 hours into his life. He developed a little cyanosis around the mouth (blue/dusky color) that would decrease with blow-by oxygen, but then return, decrease with one positive pressure breath (the mask), but then return. After about an hour or so of watching him and debating whether to take him in to be seen at a NICU, we made the decision to go get a second opinion. All Connor's other signs were good, but the color was of concern to Hope and to us. Cameron, Hope, and I spent about 2.5-3 hours at Santa Clara Valley Medical Center with Connor. He checked out fine and we all went home at 3AM. Almost immediately after leaving the hospital, Connor started choking on his own secretions in the carseat. Cameron pulled over and I took Connor out and patted his back as he was face-down. He subsequently coughed up more secretions over the next 24 hours and greatly improved after all the fluid was out of his lungs. The story goes that I pushed him out all too fast and didn't give him the "squeeze" he needed coming through the birth canal. <br />
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So, after 5 hours of near-pleasurable labor, I would do it all over again. Hopefully, a few more times! I took 2 days of bed rest at Hope's suggestion and 2 more of my own version of modified bed rest. My body healed completely within a week and a half. At 2 weeks, I started working out again. At 3 weeks, I started the Insanity workouts at home. It's crazy to me how different things are this time around, and I'm thankful, because I have these two precious boys to care for. We all love our Connor very much. Adaptation to 2 kids has been great. I feel our family is complete with him. We wish we had more time with just the four of us, but Cameron's school and studies keep him pretty busy. We're looking forward to Spring Break and some fun California adventures this year!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-31982820456350338892013-05-07T19:28:00.002-07:002013-05-07T19:28:28.164-07:00Mixed EmotionsI am not accustomed to bawling... at all. I rarely shed a tear, and sometimes, this bothers me. Why, the other day, I cried in Cameron's lap. One puny, little tear. The explanation: "I haven't cried in a really long time." <br />
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Our baby is due in about 4 weeks. Around the same time, we will celebrate Levi's 1st birthday. It is so strange to think that I should be toting around a babbling one year-old, who would probably be learning to walk. I really don't think of the "should haves" very often, but big milestones like a first birthday or the birth of your second child tend to make one daydream. I want June 2nd to be a happy, memorable day - one where we celebrate the life that was Levi and the plans God has for his lasting legacy. <br />
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Our dear friends, the Catteralls, lost their young son, John Christian, to a heart defect 14 years ago. In October, I was invited to their home to celebrate his birthday. The family prepared all day by baking brownies and making a delicious chili dinner. Since John Christian's birthday happens to be on October 31, their 3 younger daughters celebrate each year by handing out little goodie bags with candy and the story of their older brother's life and death (and the continued goodness of God despite terrible circumstances). I was so blessed to join this wonderful celebration, especially the very year we lost Levi, so that I could have a picture in my mind of what we wanted the mood to be surrounding June 2nd. Peaceful, hopeful, and filled with the goodness and presence of our Savior!<br />
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My pregnancy with little Ethan has gone just as well as it had with Levi's. I have the occasional heartburn, sciatic pain/weakness, and some cramping/Braxton Hicks contractions, but this young man is extremely healthy and progressing well, and I couldn't be more grateful. June 7th is the official due date. We're making things ready around the house. The bathroom is being deep-cleaned by my dear mother a week from Saturday. Ethan's room is pretty much done - only a few shelves to finish painting for the bookshelf. But, all the necessities are there. It's been a great deal of fun to prepare the closet, dresser, changing table, and crib. I have been going through boxes of Levi's clothes, sorting sizes and washing, folding, and putting them away. My friend, Ivy, gave me 2 boxes packed full of more clothes and socks, which has really blessed us. And, to date, I've had 2 baby showers where we received so many wonderful gifts. <br />
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Today, I shopped at Fred Meyer and Target, in hopes of using up some gift cards and buying crib sheets and changing pad covers. I must be really picky, but there were very few choices, and the choices they had seemed pretty cheap to me. I would love for our linens to last through a few kids, and I just don't see that happening with Target sheets. :( <br />
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As June 2nd draws closer, please remember that I love to talk about my son. I do not mind in the least if conversation goes that direction - in fact, it blesses my heart to know that people think about him. Levi is my son. And just like you probably talk about your kids on a daily basis, I like to talk about mine. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-30211451829793729492013-01-26T05:23:00.000-08:002013-01-26T05:23:57.483-08:00It's crazy to think that life is changing all over again. We will be welcoming a sweet, young man into our family in June. Currently, I am up at odd hours of the night since I can't sleep. It seems a more frequent occurrence, as my belly grows. I would love to be in dream world right now, but instead, I'll update my blog and work on baby shower decorations for a friend's shower tomorrow (oh, wait...that would be today). Cameron is snoozing, and I'm planning to make him a hot breakfast, which is something we almost never enjoy together anymore. <br />
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Seeing our son via ultrasound was an incredible wonder. I now feel pregnant. I knew I was before, but it didn't feel quite real. Even when I started to feel him kick, I still hadn't seen his face or known whether to call him 'he' or 'she'. We don't have a nursery, yet, and probably won't until after birth. We plan to have little man in our room for a few months, at least. Still, it's fun to be getting his closet ready. :) I had a very strong feeling this was a boy, and a couple weeks ago (with a spurt of energy), washed, dried, and hung all the newborn and 0-3 month clothes we had for Levi. Cameron was kind enough to clear 1/2 of his dresser drawer for diapering equipment and that is prepped with newborn disposables. <br />
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In this sweet time of my life, I am not complaining about a thing. I love that my back and hips are sore and I can't sleep at night, since I know it means that God is preparing me to be a mother again. When Levi died, I remember friends and strangers telling me that they would never take their precious ones for granted or moan during nightly feedings or scream sessions. That made me feel like we made a difference together and I vowed to do the same when the LORD again blessed us with children. Levi still lives in my heart and my memories, and God is doing a wondrous miracle in bringing me to love another little boy. We can't wait to meet him!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-30204335622545480342012-12-14T07:34:00.003-08:002012-12-14T07:35:24.864-08:00Sick, but happy!I have rarely been sick in my 25 years (minus all those ear infections I don't remember - thanks for taking care of me, Mom!). But, today, I am really sick - think NOROvirus. I have lost everything in my stomach over 3 sessions, the last one ending with dry heaving. The result is a VERY tired girl who didn't get much sleep at all and can't go back to sleep without fear of getting sick again.<br />
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It's surprising to me (since I've had issues bonding with this baby) that I can only think of baby's health. I really could care less that I had to call in sick to work and stay home doing absolutely nothing (since I have no current crafty things in the works). I don't care that I probably won't get anything to eat down today (except water). I just want our little one to be okay. <br />
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So, today, I'll do my best to take care of the body that's housing our tiny family member. <br />
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Thank you, Cameron, for caressing my back last night as I tried to sleep and for loving me and spending 5 wonderful years together with me. I wish I could say it under better circumstances - Happy 5th Anniversary! Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-65810792387058740332012-11-11T21:15:00.003-08:002012-11-11T21:15:21.094-08:00JoyI can't even tell you how privileged I am to be a child of our King! He is my constant supply of peace and mercy in this fallen world. He has taken my mourning and given me a spirit of joy.
The idea of having this new baby has been a difficult one for me. I have felt many people's quick responses to the announcement as their judgement that this baby will replace my Levi. That has made bonding in the first few weeks a challenge. I know as time goes on that feeling this baby kick and figuring out names and planning for the future will help me ease into this. But, I just miss my first son. I am not down and out, bawling my eyes out; in fact, I very rarely shed a tear. But, my mind constantly wanders back to the day I first saw him in this world and the hopes that I had for him being crushed when I held his lifeless body. I still want so much for Levi that he'll never have. My mind knows that Levi will never come back. My heart wishes I could hold him and tell him I love him and will never forget him.
I have been learning about idolatry, along with Cameron, as we have begun a home group with our neighbors, Jose and Abida. For me, this has meant thinking of how I treated my pregnancy with Levi in a whole new light. In a way, I idolized that first pregnancy. I idolized my son and the life of being a mother. I worried constantly about what we would do for childcare when I went back to work ("part-time, full-time, per diem - what should I do?"). I worried about other people holding and loving my baby. I worried about who we would allow to be influences in this child's life. I wanted control. And I had none. I only had worry. Releasing that to the LORD has been one of the most freeing things. And since I've done that, some pretty amazing things have happened. God is good. He knows my heart and only wants me to give of my life willingly. Let me tell you - it is so much better (not always easier) when I allow Him to have control in my life!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-26679090411896039672012-08-17T18:56:00.001-07:002012-08-17T18:56:29.415-07:00<blockquote>This week, I met a beautiful lady who owns a bed and breakfast in Cle Elum. Her home and business is in the middle of the Taylor Bridge fires that are still burning this week. This lady was most precious and I pray her home is saved from the flames. We shared some stories of our babies. She had a Thalidomide baby - something I hadn't really heard of before. It's a drug still in use for other conditions, but used to be used for morning sickness. My friend lost her first baby at age 18 after having been pregnant for a WHOLE YEAR. Her belly was so tiny that the hospital didn't believe her when she told them she was pregnant and overdue. </blockquote>
<blockquote>I think I would be fairly furious if that happened to me, but under the circumstance, what could she have done? Her baby was born at a time where they would whisk the precious package away; for her sake, she said, they didn't want her to see the baby's body or face, which was evidently very malformed. It made me so happy that I got to hold precious Levi and cuddle and rock him and take pictures of our family together. I can't believe how far we've come as a country and as a profession. </blockquote>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-32716150631417814062012-08-14T11:19:00.002-07:002012-08-14T11:20:04.351-07:00By No CoincidenceAfter our new refrigerator was installed this morning, I looked over to the counter to find this note (must have slipped behind the old fridge), written by my Dad for Levi's memorial.
<blockquote>Levi Wrangler Lee: What an appropriate name for Cameron and Sarah's baby boy. "Levi" is a Hebrew name that means "joined or attached". Levi was only here about 20 weeks and yet he has joined us together in an amazing way. Joined a family. Joined friends. Joined hearts. In the Bible, Levi was the third son of Jacob and Leah. God later renamed him "Israel". Leah named him, saying, "My husband will become attached to me because I have borne him 3 sons." The nation of Israel began with Jacob. Of the 12 sons of Jacob, only one was chosen to be the priestly line - Levi. God chose the line of Levi to be the line of the priesthood. Not because of anything Levi had done, but just because He wanted to - God is sovereign. </blockquote><blockquote>For Levi Wrangler Lee, the name Levi represents his lineage to our Heavenly Father. "Wrangler" is a very American name. It means "a person in charge of horses". What an appropriate name for little Levi. Levi was an active little guy in the womb - taking after his earthly Father, Cameron and his Mother who both love the outdoors and both love Cowboy boots! Wrangler represents his lineage to his earthly Father and Mother. </blockquote><blockquote>"Lee" is an English name meaning "meadow or forest clearing". A meadow represents a place of peace. Somehow, through all the tears, all the sorrow, all the joyful memories that could have been, little Levi's life has brought us all a little peace in this world that is greatly lacking real peace. This name represents little Levi's early "Fathers" and "Mothers". His ancestry. The name Lee is even represented on his Mother's side of the family. My Grandfather's last name was Bakke but his brother chose the name "Lee" when he arrived here from Norway because he lived with a family named Lee and they treated him so well that he decided to adopt their family name. There was a man during the Civil War named Robert E Lee. Along with Abraham Lincoln, he is one of 2 men I most admire from that very difficult - really defining - period of our country's history. Lincoln was the great political leader; Lee was the great military leader. And I believe Cameron is directly related to Robert E Lee. </blockquote><blockquote>Here are a few quotes from Robert E Lee:</blockquote>
<blockquote>"Do your duty in all things, you should never do less." - Do what you are supposed to do. That's all.</blockquote>
<blockquote>"I cannot trust a man to control others who cannot control himself." - If you want to be able to lead others, you better be able to control yourself first.</blockquote>
<blockquote>Here's one that surprised me a little bit:
"I love whiskey and I always did, and that is why I never drink it." - Good advice.</blockquote>
<blockquote>"I have been up to see Congress and they do not seem to be able to do anything except to eat peanuts and chew tobacco while my army is starving." - Some things never seem to change.</blockquote>
<blockquote>And here is my favorite:
"I tremble for my country when I hear of confidence placed in me. I know too well my weakness, that our only hope is in God." - Lee had a very humble view of himself.
</blockquote>
<blockquote>I have a story I would like to tell you:</blockquote>
<blockquote>There once was man who had a dream about a little boy.
The boy was his Grandson and he was not born yet.
The man saw the face of the little boy and his brow was very furrowed.
the man didn't understand if they little boy was confused - or worried - or concerned.
The little boy was still in his Mama's tummy but the Grandfather could see him clearly, like he was looking through clear glass.
Then the man awoke from his dream very startled.
He didn't know what the dream meant, but he told his wife and his family and some of his friends about the dream.
Then, shockingly, he learned a week or two later that they boy had dies in his Mama's womb. It became clear at that time that the little boy had been very concerned about his family, especially his Mother and Father.
He wanted to tell them that he was OK.
In fact, he was much more than OK.
He was walking with Jesus on streets of gold. In fact, he was skipping with Jesus on streets of gold!
If he could talk, he would say, "I will be waiting to greet you in heaven when you get here!"</blockquote>
<blockquote>I had that dream about a week or two before we found out that Levi had died in the womb. It was a startling, very real dream. Now, we know that Levi is sitting at the feet of Jesus, worshipping Him!
</blockquote>
Thank you, Dad, for such a beautiful letter to encourage us and to share with our family and friends the meaning of Levi's name!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-59457215992666061042012-08-06T10:23:00.002-07:002012-08-14T11:23:18.680-07:00Crazy, Splendid...Life<blockquote>Life has been crazy. Our 3 Chinese exchange students just left yesterday. For 3 weeks, we housed, fed, and transported our kids to classes and events. 'Parenting' three 11 year-olds is not easy, especially when they don't speak your language. Our biggest regret was that we took more than one child in, so they fell into their native Mandarin instead of practicing their English. This despite our constant insistence that they speak so we can understand. :) But, they were good, sweet children.
</blockquote>
<blockquote>I have an ache in my heart. It seems my longing for children has never been stronger. With only 2 months and 4 days since we lost Levi, my body reminds me every day that it is not the same as before I was pregnant with my little boy. I can only imagine that this all would be easier if I were holding my precious bundle in my arms.
</blockquote>
<blockquote>Lately, the urge to adopt has been on my heart. I think God is changing us for the better through this terrible situation. Cameron has talked with me before about his desire to adopt a child (or a few). He told me once that for every child God blesses us with biologically, he would want to adopt one. I do count Levi as 'our first biological child'. When my patients ask me if I have children, I tell them we just had our firstborn by stillbirth. It is not fun to relive that moment, and I could tell them "No, we have no children." But, it would be a half-lie; more importantly, it would deny my son his importance in my life. That little boy changed me forever. He created a longing in my heart to mother.
</blockquote>
<blockquote>I told myself when we left the hospital that I would return to normal life and try my best to live as I had before. While that is a good goal, it is somewhat impractical. I cannot and will not forget Levi and our experience of losing him. My life WILL be changed. It is what I do with my loss that defines 'normal life' for me. And normal will never be the same again.</blockquote>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-60330020715674005162012-06-18T13:37:00.000-07:002012-06-18T13:37:33.879-07:00Levi's Birth StoryI am pragmatic, I am told. Thus, the title of my blog. Also, I'm a nurse, so if you can't swallow a fairly straightforward birth story, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST!
Two weeks ago, on an overcast Saturday, we birthed our first child, a son named Levi Wrangler Lee. I say that WE birthed him because Cameron never left my side. You'll see later other ways that he "helped".
It all started on a typical (for me) Wednesday. I rode my bike 10 miles to my midwife's birth center in Bellevue. Thoroughly sweaty and pregnantly exhausted, I arrived just on time to meet Cameron, do my urine dipstick (which showed, for the 1st time, slightly elevated protein), and walk in for my 30-minute visit. Andrea, my midwife asked if we had any questions, talked for a bit about the glucose test for next time, gave me my lovely orange drink to store in the fridge at home, and proceeded to check for Levi's heartbeat via Doppler. She could not hear the heartbeat after about 15 minutes of trying different positions and amounts of ultrasound gel, so she asked her colleague to come give it a try. Lauren, the other midwife was not able to find his heartbeat, either. At this point, Andrea was a little on edge, but I was not concerned in the least. We have had issues because of an anterior placenta (meaning it lies right behind my belly button, impeding many things such as the Doppler and my ability to feel Levi's kicks). She asked me to go for Ultrasound, so of course, the logical response was for Cameron to stand up and tell her, "Let me try."
In a flurry of giggles and "Ow's" from me, he proceeded to press the Doppler against my abdomen in a manner quite unsuitable to a full bladder. He has had experience with ultrasounds, as he worked in Critical Care for a few years and sat for many hours holding pressure to the groins of many a person who had just had a femoral catheter removed. Nevertheless, after no heartbeat from Cameron's prodding, Andrea suggested I come back the next day for her to try again (position change?).
Thursday, I arrived to my appointment at 1pm. This time, I drove, since I had to work at 2:45. No heartbeat, quick phone call to Eastside Maternal Fetal Health for an immediate appointment. I drove to the MFH office, which is right across the freeway from the hospital where I work for a 2:15 appointment. I am feeling bit rushed at this point, and the tech who brought me back to the ultrasound room was running late...of course. She had me recline in a chair and immediately slapped a blood pressure cuff on my arm. "147/80 - that's a little high. We might be concerned about that." I gave her a polite smile and told her that perhaps she might want to try it again after my ultrasound, since I was going from appointment to unplanned appointment, running late for work, to boot. She left, and Tom, the US tech walked right in and got to work. For the first time, I got warm US gel on my abdomen (why aren't they all warmed?). Tom got a good view right away, but I knew as soon as Levi came on the screen that something was wrong. That little pitter-patter of his heart valves was gone. For the 1st time, I panicked. I told Tom, "I can handle any news you give me. I don't want you to wait until the end. Please tell me as soon as you know something." He measured femur length, head circumference, and gave me an estimated gestational age of 19 weeks, 6 days, and told me, "I'm so sorry, but I can't find a heartbeat and it looks like we're dealing with a fetal demise. I'll go get the doctor; he should be right in."
When Tom left the room, I took a deep breath and called Cameron, telling him the news and to get here immediately. Then, I sobbed the first deep cries. A million thoughts ran through my head: "I should call my mom and dad - they've been praying"; "What about Danielly (my pregnant friend)? How will she take this?"; "What will Cameron say when he gets here?". I went through half a box of Kleenex before the perinatologist walked in the room. He was very sympathetic, offering me his sincerest apology, then began telling me that they did not know what caused this, this was not my fault, there were a few options to choose from, and I would have to follow up with my midwife for where to go next.
Then, Cameron came in the room, stoic as all get-out. I had called him earlier, on my way to the US, and I thought he may not have received my 2nd voicemail, thus being clueless as to the results of the scan. He told me later that he'd listened to my message and had to go in the bathroom at the clinic to compose himself for me. The doctor told us that I could have a D&E (more advanced than a D&C because of Levi's gestation), that I could wait for labor to begin (could be weeks or months), or that I could be induced. I could NOT imagine going through either of the first 2 options, so we left the clinic to go back to my midwife's office. Chris, the primary midwife at the birth center, got us in despite a full schedule and just hugged me for what felt like a few minutes. She told me she'd like me to go to Valley Medical to see Dr. Jolly. Her 2nd choice would be Dr. Brown at Valley, if we couldn't get in to see Dr. Jolly. Cameron and I know Dr. Dennis Brown and his wife, Jean, from our church community and told Chris we would prefer to see him. What transpired could have only been the work of the Holy Spirit.
We left the birth center and drove to the nearest parking lot, where we hoped to have some privacy as we called family and friends. We called both sets of parents first. Both our mothers responded as though we were joking; in retrospect, I can't personally imagine my child calling me to tell me this news. Then, siblings (the hardest part of all of this was having my younger sister, Jill, in India, where I could not immediately reach her). Then, Cameron's grandparents, and our very close friends. We waited to hear from Chris all night, who assured us she would be calling Dr. Jolly's cell to let her know what had happened and to try to get us in for induction as soon as possible. Our families met us at home around 7PM and we all sat around comforting each other and talking about the What-Ifs, which were quite variable at that point. We got a call around 9:30PM from Chris, saying that she couldn't get hold of Dr. Jolly, which was very odd since they're friends, and that she would call us in the morning after she called the office number.
I slept very well that night, despite being very upset. On Friday morning, Cameron went to work and I got a call from our Pastor Dave, who wanted my permission to call Dr. Brown personally with the news. About 5 minutes after hanging up with Dave, Dr. Brown called me and offered his apologies for what had happened. He said he'd call the head charge nurse of Labor & Delivery to book a room for me that evening and they would start preparing my cervix in anticipation of potential induction with Pitocin, which would start Saturday afternoon. He said he would specialize in my care, meaning that, although he was not the on-call doctor that evening and night, that if anything needed to be done or I had any questions, the nurses would call him personally (not Dr. Olson, who was on-call). He also gave me his home and cell numbers and told me not to hesitate to call him for anything. My mom, sister Kirsten, and bosom friend, Lauren spent Friday with me. When Cameron got home from work, we packed our bags for the hospital and I was admitted at 6:30PM. Tiffany was my nurse. She didn't have to go through the packet of paperwork (somehow, this had been taken care of between the charge nurse and my birth center), but did orient me to the room and the plan of care. She answered all the questions I had for her at the time and soon went off shift. My night nurse was Leslie, who was also a midwife and went to school with Chris. Leslie was a blessing from the LORD, a peaceful spirit and a kind woman, who was precisely what I needed that night.
Leslie tried 2 IV starts unsuccessfully, then another floor nurse attempted twice with the same result. About 10 minutes later, an IV nurse (thank God) came with a warm pack and successfully placed an IV in my left forearm (the site of choice for Cameron and me, so that he could hold my right hand during labor). At 8PM, I was given my first dose of Cytotec, a tablet that is inserted vaginally to soften the cervix for delivery. Then, I took half an Ambien for sleep, wrote in my journal to Levi and to God. I slept well until 3AM, when I was given another dose of Cytotec and the other 1/2 of my Ambien. At 4AM, I awoke with back labor; Leslie checked on me, brought me a heating pad, and lightly rubbed my back with her fingertips while I lay on my side. I must have fallen asleep during that time - it was heavenly.
Cameron and I had talked about his work schedule on Thursday evening and agreed he would complete all pre-scheduled days. He is in his last few weeks of a paid internship at the PRO Sports Club as a personal trainer, after which he'll move to commission and a permanent position. He is currently on a 6 day-a-week schedule, with Sundays off. The ability to sort of time delivery for Saturday evening was part of what led us to choosing to be induced, so he could be with me the whole time. Cameron left for work (a 4-hour day) at 6:20AM on Saturday. I kissed him goodbye and slept another few hours. I remember my mom and dad coming in and saying something and I just waved my hand at them in recognition, but kept sleeping. I think I'll stay away from Ambien except for those rare occasions, when it would really benefit me to sleep through labor pain. ;) Leslie went off shift at 7AM, when my day nurse, Tammy came in to meet me. She told me that Leslie had spoken of my faith, and asked if she could pray with me. I was ecstatic to have a nurse who would ask me this and to pray the words that she did. It was part of what gave me continued strength to go though that very difficult day.
I spent the morning with Mom and Dad, Lauren, Kirsten, and Debbie (Cameron's mom). Dr. Brown came to see me and gave me a 3rd dose of Cytotec at 9:50AM, when I was found to be 70% effaced. We talked about my wishes against epidural and narcotic pain management, and he asked me to think about the use of epidural if it were a long labor. Cameron arrived with his friend, Ryan around noon. I had a light lunch, but didn't have much of an appetite, and didn't want to have a full or upset stomach when my contractions started. I was given my 4th and final dose of Cytotec around 3PM, when I was found to be 90% effaced. Tammy went off shift and I met Kim, who was finishing the last 4 hours of her 12-hour shift. Cameron and I took a walk around the hospital, and I started having more and more cramping.
At 5:05PM, Kim started my Pitocin drip at the lowest setting and began monitoring my uterus for contractions. She would look at the monitor and say, "Do you feel that?" I only felt more cramping and discomfort, but not pain, yet. Dr. Brown had notified our family and friends, as well as Pastor Dave and his wife, Suzette, that Levi would not arrive before 4 hours, and that labor could be as long as 14 hours. Cameron, Debbie, Ryan, and Shanna (Cameron's sister) were in the room. We were all joking and laughing and then my contractions started. The first one was 45 seconds long with a 15-second break. I was able to laugh through the first few, but the contractions continued at this 1-minute interval, getting stronger and stronger. When Cameron had to help me remember to breathe (note: we have not taken birthing classes, yet), everyone else left the room. It was only about 5 minutes into the Pitocin drip, I'm told, when my IV infiltrated (the fluid and medication was not going into my vein, but into the surrounding tissues). Kim stopped the drip and went to call Dr. Brown, telling me we would need to start a new IV. It took about 10 minutes for her to come back in the room; by this time, I was really having to work through the contractions. The room felt about 120 degrees and I just wanted my hair back and a fan in my face. Truthfully, I didn't really care if I had a gown on at that point! Kim took the IV out of my arm, giving me a compression bandage. My left arm was quite swollen.
I mostly labored lying back at about 70 degrees. We tried side-lying which I knew immediately wouldn't work. We tried kneeling on the bed with my elbows on some pillows - wasn't gonna happen, either. Kim kept asking me when she could put the new IV start in. All I could think to tell her was, "When am I gonna get a break longer than 15 seconds in which to breathe and relax?" And, "How can one possibly start an IV in 15 seconds?" She moved on to another subject, asking me to get up to try to urinate. Well, my bathroom was pretty close, but I told her I could only do it if she flung the door open and got out of my way. I sat on the toilet for about 10 contractions (5-10 minutes) with Cameron supporting me in front. She wanted me to get back to bed, so again, I told her to get out of my way and I might be able to do that. Back in bed, the contractions got worse. When Kim asked, I told her my pain level was at a 9/10 (10 for me was when I had an earache and Cameron obliged me by putting warmed olive oil in my ear - won't do that again). So, she pulled up a chair across the bed from Cameron and asked me what my birth plan was.
Side note: given the urgency of our situation, we didn't have time for this. However, I strongly suggest that you develop your birth plan in writing for the multiple people who will ask you about it. I had told my very 1st nurse, Tiffany everything I ever wanted in a delivery, including the most important and final step in labor: a water delivery. However, the 10-minute speech wasn't passed on in its totality. :)
Back to Kim. Cameron started telling her about the 'No epidural, no narcotic medications' policy that I had so distinctly told him to recite the first time we talked about having children (when we were dating). I was sitting in bed, watching these 2 people converse about MY body, and I told them, "No, no, no...I can't do this for 12 hours! I didn't think labor would be like this!" At this point, Kim told me that normally, even induced contractions do NOT start at 1-minute intervals and that I may or may not have received enough Pitocin, but that my body had fully taken over and delivery was imminent. She had already called Dr. Brown to come, which I wasn't aware of. Cameron then told her about the water delivery, but I was so hot, I couldn't imagine getting in a warm tub. So, she drew a tepid bath and got out of my way so I could run in and start soaking. The second I hit the water, that 9/10 pain was completely gone. I relaxed and felt a pop. Not a minute later, Kim called
at me through the door, "Dr. Brown's here - he wants you in bed so he can do a vaginal exam!" I told her there was absolutely no way I was getting out of the tub for a vaginal exam when she had specifically told me I could deliver in the water, as was my plan. Furthermore, I was going to drop Levi on the floor if I got out of the tub. I really didn't realize how close his delivery was. But, with further insistence that Levi would not drop out of my body and that I would be able to get back in the tub in time, I ran across the room back to my bed, leaving my wet gown in the tub.
I lay back to that 70 degree position, but Kim dropped the head of my bed to 30 degrees. Another note: I HATE lying flat. My mom was pulling my hair back and Dr. Brown was getting his gloves on when I came out of the fog that had enveloped me for the past hour and sat up, saying, "He's here." Cameron put his hands on the bed and caught Levi as Dr. Brown frantically rushed to finish getting ready. At 6:13PM, our perfect little boy arrived to this world with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, then his arm, and again around his neck the opposite direction. Though he never breathed a single breath this side of heaven, Cameron and I were both beaming, happy parents. I told Cameron that June 2, 2012 was the worst and the BEST day of my life. Levi had perfect features: 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers, eyebrows, muscular legs, all his boy parts, eyelids, nostrils, lips, ears. Over the next 12 hours, I loved getting to know my son.
We slept well Saturday night, as well. Sunday, I showered and got minimally ready. I told Cameron that I've never felt so un-glamorous and yet incredibly beautiful. Leslie was again my night nurse, from 7PM-7AM. We told her we would be taking a walk as a family, bringing Levi in the Moses basket I had bought for him. We were allowed to do so, but required to keep his body covered while in the hospital. We walked outside to the fountain, where Cameron snapped the last photograph before our camera died (it was fully charged when we got to the hospital). We turned on the video camera and took many videos of us with Levi. Cameron held him and we took videos of Levi touching the grass and the flowers, and Cameron explaining to him what a bumble bee was. :) That time outdoors is a great time to reflect upon and definitely a critical part in our healing together.
I am honored to have carried Levi for 23 weeks. I will never forget that day, the following weeks of healing, and the immense pleasure of being Levi's mommy. I can't wait for more children, to get to experience the miracle of life all over again, and for the growth that Cameron and I will continue to see in our relationship. God is good and has a plan for Levi's life and death; he knows why this happened; and he is the great Healer. If you have questions for me, please ask them. I am an open book - it is part of my healing process to be able to talk about everything that happened. More in the coming weeks about how we are doing!
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eyyjHJobcG4/T9-QURp-s4I/AAAAAAAAAMI/iVcbYk4sTk0/s1600/DSC05452.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="266" width="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eyyjHJobcG4/T9-QURp-s4I/AAAAAAAAAMI/iVcbYk4sTk0/s400/DSC05452.JPG" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-85837197029599913902012-06-02T01:34:00.000-07:002012-06-02T01:35:30.623-07:00For my sonLevi, my beautiful son,
I haven't met you out here, yet, but Mommy loves you with a love that no one else can understand. You have grown up so wondrously within me, as only formed by the great Creator of life. Acts 17:28, "It is in Him that we live and move and exist". I do not understand now, but you were not formed to live and breathe on this earth, only the short 23 weeks I was blessed to carry you.
Your daddy would pray every night for you that (at first) you would be a beautiful, wise child, filled with grace, and grown up to love and serve our LORD, then 2 1/2 weeks ago (when we found out we were having a son) that you would be a beautiful BOY, filled with grace, and raised to love and serve His Master. We were so excited for your life, Levi. A big brother to your future siblings (of which we wanted many). Now, I would be happy to just have you. My one child. I would be happy to hold you and love you and raise you well until you were pushing independence and I had to watch you struggle and make mistakes. I was looking forward, personally, to watching you model life after your daddy, a wonderful man who I've watched blossom into a warrior for Jesus. I was looking forward to life when I could stay at home and we could play together until daddy walked in the door from work and you would run into his arms. You were meant to be a daddy's boy, I know. Your dad adores you so much.
His heart is hurting now, too, but that is not my story to tell. He has written to you and I have read of the incredible pain he is going through and the difficulty of losing his first son. I can only pray that you, my child, were not in any pain as our LORD welcomed you home. Whatever happened, whether we find out or not, I rest assured that our good GOD has a plan and purpose for your life. Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"
If nothing else, it was for our benefit and growth on this earth as a couple, to draw us closer to our Savior. I believe, though, that I will be using this gift as a ministry to many broken women around me, who need an understanding shoulder to cry on. There is something about a mama's heart that breaks with another's. It's even different and more intimate when the pain of losing your child is shared. I hope I can be a support to other suffering women. And I pray that your daddy uses his gift, as well, to the glory of God the Father.
Levi, I will have much more to say when I kiss your sweet head. These things are not things I would write for others. They are things I have been dreaming of telling you since I knew I was carrying you, precious little one. I am meeting you so much sooner than I ever anticipated. But God's timing is perfect, not a step out of tune. We are following in his path, and He is providing for us. God give me strength to be a good mother to you in our few moments here on earth.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-91890887792943221412012-02-16T11:57:00.000-08:002012-02-16T12:12:36.077-08:00It's circumstances like these that freak me out about going back to work. <br /><br />http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2017466312_apuslactationdiscrimination.html<br /><br />Thus far, I have encountered no problems with my workplace, but I have felt a tugging at my heart to stay at home with my children since I was about 10 years old. This makes for knotty feelings in my stomach as my pregnancy progresses and I get closer to becoming 'mother'. Not at all like I think this would happen to me, but anytime I hear about a company giving flack to their employee for NATURAL and HEALTHY bodily functions like breastfeeding your child, I flip out. HELLO! The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends " exclusively breastfeeding for a minimum of four months but preferably for six months, and then gradually adding solid foods while continuing breastfeeding until at least the baby’s first birthday." (quote from healthchildren.org). That would be a 'year-off' for the poor woman in our story, here. Instead, she lost her job. <br /><br />I know plenty of women who take frequent short breaks to pump in the back room at work, but I have to say the hospital has like 95% FEMALE nursing staff, so it would be a little to their disadvantage to tell this crowd to forget about breastfeeding their babies. <br /><br />The moral of the story is that I like to be in control. I do NOT like other people telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing, especially when it comes to feeding and raising my children. I can ignore the advice, comments, and judgments from others, but I most certainly would not work for a company like this lady did. The second I felt hostility for breastfeeding my baby, I'd be gone.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-59911448699753309212012-02-01T08:54:00.000-08:002012-02-01T08:56:39.417-08:00What I'm looking forward to...1) Cameron coming home for good March 28th.<br />2) The arrival of our sweet, little <span style="font-weight:bold;">baby</span> September 29th. <br />3) Enjoying this first pregnancy and planning for our life together as a family.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-39699663492769276022012-01-09T12:22:00.000-08:002012-01-09T12:57:46.367-08:00SeparationHere goes one final quarter without my husband. This separation has been hard on our marriage, no doubt. Looking back over 2011 (9 months of it spent across the state from one another), we traveled a lot during his school breaks. <br /><br />January thru March - We started sponsoring Lucien, an 8-year old boy from Togo who shares Cameron's birthday. Cameron received acceptance to Eastern Washington University. We began thinking about traveling to Europe, initially wanting to backpack/take the train through multiple countries. As school got closer, we saw this was an unrealistic desire at the time.<br /><br />March - school started. Quite possibly the strangest month of my life. We had been married 3 years and decided that we could handle a year of separation (by God's strength) in order for Cameron to finish school at a reasonably-priced institution with the program he wanted. <br /><br />April - We traveled back and forth over I-90. I got to visit my Grandma Lorraine's gravesite in Spokane (a little over a year after she died). We also started exploring Spokane (a fun thing to do, but definitely felt no pull to live there). We both love our side of the state and being around family. We started thinking about buying property in Western Washington.<br /><br />May - Another month of traveling. We saw each other every 2-3 weeks. We started realizing that this was far too long to go without seeing each other. We discussed how the next few quarters would go and agreed to try to do the drive every weekend.<br /><br />June - Cameron had about a month off at home. I kept bugging him about going backpacking at least once over the break. We packed the car and started driving toward Vancouver, WA, with a route in mind for a 2-night trip. Arriving in Vancouver to POURING rain, we decided to just keep driving and visit Napa, CA. Toured wine country for a day and a half and drove back refreshed but tired from 3 days of driving. We considered this our 'substitute' for not traveling to Europe (hey, Napa is a mini-Italy).<br /><br />July - At the beginning of the month, we met with a real estate agent recommended to us by our bank's mortgage officer. Start of summer quarter. We didn't see each other much, as Cameron's school schedule was packed into 4 weeks of intense work. Cameron turned 24.<br /><br />August - Cameron came home from school. We started talking again about traveling to Europe (possibly via cruise this time), but the expense was again too high. Cameron and his sister, Shanna visited their dad in TX. At the end of the month, I got an email from vacationstogo.com with the very cruise we had looked at in the beginning of the summer discounted about 75%. I called Cameron (who was on a layover back from TX) and told him about the trip. We purchased the tickets and planned for departure in 2 weeks.<br /><br />September - I left work on a Tuesday night, flying down the stairs in excitement. We left for Italy the next morning. 2 1/2 days in Rome and a 14-day cruise was exhausting but the thrill of our lives! We saw so much incredible architecture, art, history, and Biblical remains. I forget how many photos we took, but we still haven't organized them all! We got home from our trip at 11PM and Cameron made the 4 hour drive to school for his 11AM class the next morning.<br /><br />October - We instituted the traveling every weekend policy in our marriage. Of course there were still about 2 weekends where we couldn't make it happen, but overall, we were both much happier. <br /><br />November - It's hard to remember this month. December is so busy for us every year. I know we had Thanksgiving, but that's about all I can hold in my think tank.<br /><br />December - I turned 24. We had a nice dinner at Spazzo's Italian with family and Lauren. We visited our dear friends Steven and Julia in Orlando, FL. Went to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and SeaWorld and visited Julia's family in South Florida. Cameron got to go 'alligator hunting' (for pictures, of course) while Julia and I lay on the beach (it was a perfect 70-degree day with a breeze). Celebrated our 4th anniversary with dinner inside Disney's Epcot at the Moroccan restaurant. I ate prunes for the first time with dinner and they were delicious! We celebrated Christmas with both our families. I made my first prime rib. <br /><br />I am thankful for the opportunities God has provided for us. We have a great place to live with his mom; family is all within walking distance (since my parents live in the same neighborhood); my job provides well for both of us; we have been able to travel more this year than all our previous years of marriage combined; Cameron has been able to work toward his Bachelor's Degree; the people of our church have blessed us tremendously by supporting us through a hard year; we have visited friends and family; and we are still growing together as a couple by God's grace. <br /><br />We are REALLY looking forward to the year to come, as Cameron finishes school and we look into home ownership and parenthood. Thank you to all of you who have supported us in your individual ways. We so appreciate you!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-19269292538906633292011-11-28T11:05:00.000-08:002011-11-28T11:23:40.534-08:00Sacred RhythmsI started reading a book today that I will be reviewing with a friend, called 'Sacred Rhythms' by Ruth Haley Barton. To quote the first paragraph, <br /><br />"One of the things that still surprises me this far along in life is how and when and with what power my longing stirs. Certain times are fairly predictable - times when I am tired from travel and missing home and family, seasons when I have been overly busy and long to be with God for God's own sake, certain moments in the holiday season when I hunger for a deeper experience of the meaning of things. To some extent I have grown accustomed to these longings and know what to do with them. But there are other times when longing ambushes me with a ferocity that seems all out of proportion to what is going on at the moment; it catches me up short with the awareness that something here warrants my attention. Although the experience of longing and desire is often bittersweet, it reminds me that I am alive in ways that I want to be alive."<br /><br />I could not have summed it up better myself. At times, I become very frustrated at the status quo or the way other people decide to operate. I recall getting all worked up a few months ago because I didn't want to celebrate the pagan holiday of Christmas with all its commercial, wishwashy schemes. I love taking the time to be with family, sharing in a meal together, playing games, and just relaxing. More than this, I love helping other people who have nothing. I would much rather spend my $400 in gifts on someone who doesn't receive much throughout the rest of the year or feed someone whose belly is in knots. I would love for our little family some year (meaning myself, Cameron, and our future children) to forgo the 'pleasures' of 'Christmas' to serve others. That has been my dream for awhile. Cameron doesn't disagree with me, but when I brought the idea up to his mother, she started crying and telling me I was abandoning family. Sort of besides the point (we'll do whatever we're called to do), but it does make it more difficult. <br /><br />I believe in this section of her book, Ruth is more highlighting the longing of her heart to spend time with the Lord, but I read it differently at first. And, through service, I am following the example of my Lord and I ALWAYS feel closer to Him when I humble myself and give sacrificially.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-9585325348006808082011-09-30T16:35:00.000-07:002011-09-30T16:52:42.178-07:00What I do all day longChange is in the air. Lately, the mornings have been cool with a little breeziness. It has been just what I needed. It reminds me that this segment of my life will NOT go on forever. It has been very lonely around here - I fill in where I can. And I have probably grown much closer to my mother-in-law and my family than I would have if I were living on my own. But, it's still not fun. God created me to be my husband's helpmate. It's hard to feel like I'm "helping" much when I never see him. <br /><br />I vow to make the most of this season of our lives, though. It has been a very good time of drawing close to my Savior! And I have been involved in a food bank ministry of sorts. Our church is searching for a new place to meet while the school we lease gets renovated - this means that I can't dive in fully, yet. But, once we know what we're doing, perhaps this passion of mine will take off. Wednesday was the last day I could glean from the Kirkland Farmer's Market, bringing fresh fruits and veggies to the church office on Thursday morning. That has benefitted many people and it's a huge blessing to see God work in that way - produce that could have easily been thrown away. God speaks through satisfied bellies.<br /><br />On a totally different note, I picked up an old Bible that I brought to PCC (Pensacola Christian College) with me in '06. Inside, I had scribbled a few quotes from one of the men who would speak on Sundays (a required church - no, I could not go into the community to choose a church). <br /><br />1) "MySpace - You should hang a sign saying, 'Dirt for Sale', because that's what it is."<br />2) "Television is a sewage pipe from hell right in your own living room."<br />3) We choose to hang out with <span style="font-style:italic;">lousy</span> friends and listen to <span style="font-style:italic;">garbage</span> music - it's a choice."<br /><br />In case you hadn't noticed, I don't really agree with anything he said. I'm not such a huge TV fan, but not because I believe it's a sewage pipe STRAIGHT FROM HELL. It just doesn't have much shininess to me. I'd rather be exercising, cooking, or in community. Just in case you were wondering what in the HECK I do all day long, as one of my patients asked me when I told them I don't watch TV. Shocking, I know.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-26767361955882528632011-09-24T10:37:00.000-07:002011-09-24T11:27:56.063-07:00LoveListening to Coffee with the Coaches on 820AM KGNW - My darling friend, Suzette Parker is a gem and such a smart lady! I love her!<div><br /></div><div>Missing my husband, who's across the state from me. Can't wait to see him next weekend! </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm thinking about relationships - the give and take. On the radio show this morning, an email that was read said "People who are 'fixers' are just natural encouragers, and they actually have the obligation to help those less fortunate." Suzette and Laurie responded with giggles, as though they had heard this many times before. It brought to mind a situation that went on for years (and has just recently been somewhat resolved, I think), in which someone who offered their advice to us would not relent, continually making this topic a big deal, even after the action had already been taken. The unwillingness of the other party to apologize for their part in the struggle, despite our laying down our pride and apologizing many times (from what I can tell, a very genuine apology on Cameron's part, and certainly genuine on mine) has caused very deep hurt. Much greater hurt than if the struggle would have ended as soon as the action had been taken. I have also found with my friends and loved ones that continuing to disprove of their actions after the fact has no good effects. </div><div><br /></div><div>Let me clarify: I may not agree with the decisions my friends/family have made, but regardless, I must continue to love them and serve them. I may not want to serve in a way that encourages them to continue making poor decisions (defined as those that adversely affect their life, such as being in an abusive relationship or choosing alcohol/drugs to fill a void), so in that light, my 'service' is more limited. However, I am still called to show Christ's love, which He demonstrated to the least of these. </div><div><br /></div><div>Galatians 5:13-14 , "For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'" That last statement, the 2nd greatest commandment, is the most frequently quoted Old Testament text (Leviticus 19:18) in the New Testament. That says volumes. Furthermore, I am 'fulfilling' the Mosaic Law by loving my neighbor. May I remember this in the following week.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-24219107464839519492011-09-21T09:17:00.000-07:002011-09-24T11:36:08.072-07:00TravelsWell, surprise (to me, too)! We just arrived back home from the most exciting trip of my life! My sweet husband took me on the trip we've been dreaming of for years. It was such a blessing, as I had already taken time off work, but we initially didn't see how we could afford the $10,000 we estimated it would cost. So, we had planned on a 2-week 'stay-cation' (which can be good, too) to spend some well-needed time together to refresh our marriage. Cameron's extended absence has been quite taxing emotionally for both of us. However, at the last minute, we found the cruise tickets we had been eyeing for about 25% of the initial cost. So, we booked, bought plane tickets, started packing, and went on a lovely adventure. The last evening shift I worked, I practically fell down the stairs on my way home - I was SO excited! <div><br /></div><div>Here are a few snapshots of our trip:</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><br />The Colosseum at night<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t9UkWtTv79g/TnogMLoTR3I/AAAAAAAAAFM/5eGf5219ZwA/s1600/DSC02380.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t9UkWtTv79g/TnogMLoTR3I/AAAAAAAAAFM/5eGf5219ZwA/s320/DSC02380.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654867675769423730" /></a><br />Trevi Fountain<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b5veCxHdO7k/TnoY3TZwGPI/AAAAAAAAAFE/MoEMLJwHcmw/s1600/DSC02328.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b5veCxHdO7k/TnoY3TZwGPI/AAAAAAAAAFE/MoEMLJwHcmw/s320/DSC02328.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654859620497234162" /></a><br />Pantheon<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NctAMuI2GIo/Tno-wMZp1vI/AAAAAAAAAFU/_HPZKUaDhCI/s1600/DSC02317.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NctAMuI2GIo/Tno-wMZp1vI/AAAAAAAAAFU/_HPZKUaDhCI/s320/DSC02317.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654901279800547058" /></a><br />Courtyard at Musei Vaticani<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Yiy7txRRagY/Tno_PWfjR6I/AAAAAAAAAFc/h8k783ky8HM/s1600/DSC02497.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Yiy7txRRagY/Tno_PWfjR6I/AAAAAAAAAFc/h8k783ky8HM/s320/DSC02497.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654901815085582242" /></a><br />Saint Peter's Basilica<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--4ZWH52fByY/Tno_60ycOlI/AAAAAAAAAFk/q2J8qonpXl0/s1600/DSC02718.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 72px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--4ZWH52fByY/Tno_60ycOlI/AAAAAAAAAFk/q2J8qonpXl0/s320/DSC02718.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654902561952250450" /></a><br />Papal Guard<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nMzavM0zaRc/TnpDyeb223I/AAAAAAAAAF8/Ku0e2wbAGiY/s1600/DSC02769.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nMzavM0zaRc/TnpDyeb223I/AAAAAAAAAF8/Ku0e2wbAGiY/s320/DSC02769.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654906816559504242" /></a><br />Sistine Chapel<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4KdN7MFAD3w/TnpAv7TUb2I/AAAAAAAAAF0/otIAOI6Suwo/s1600/DSC02617.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 72px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4KdN7MFAD3w/TnpAv7TUb2I/AAAAAAAAAF0/otIAOI6Suwo/s320/DSC02617.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654903474233831266" /></a><br />Acropolis<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O8LRxnCd8PU/TnpDy3-qJOI/AAAAAAAAAGM/GjyUkRN_J48/s1600/DSC02999.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O8LRxnCd8PU/TnpDy3-qJOI/AAAAAAAAAGM/GjyUkRN_J48/s320/DSC02999.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654906823416358114" /></a><br />Our dinner table on the cruise: Me, Cameron, Cindy, Chris, Sabrina, and Geoff<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PpZcUZPml30/TnpDyiH1o4I/AAAAAAAAAGE/-fKUtw3X6D4/s1600/DSC02933.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PpZcUZPml30/TnpDyiH1o4I/AAAAAAAAAGE/-fKUtw3X6D4/s320/DSC02933.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654906817549280130" /></a><br />Saint John's church and burial site<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oKabcbpNyhw/TnpKdewILbI/AAAAAAAAAGU/NvdWUQsFiuI/s1600/DSC03182.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oKabcbpNyhw/TnpKdewILbI/AAAAAAAAAGU/NvdWUQsFiuI/s320/DSC03182.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654914152448667058" /></a><br />Grand Theater at Ephesus<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dxq0nN72_4o/TnpKdglMjyI/AAAAAAAAAGc/Z5bqZZVUcjY/s1600/DSC03242.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 72px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dxq0nN72_4o/TnpKdglMjyI/AAAAAAAAAGc/Z5bqZZVUcjY/s320/DSC03242.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654914152939687714" /></a><br />Reading Ephesians in Ephesus<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OYCC6-USXLw/TnpLiFYrRYI/AAAAAAAAAGs/iZ_4TUWhW9A/s1600/DSC03219.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OYCC6-USXLw/TnpLiFYrRYI/AAAAAAAAAGs/iZ_4TUWhW9A/s320/DSC03219.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654915331050390914" /></a><br />The house of the virgin Mary<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-txlUvpuzKiI/TnpLh71kzHI/AAAAAAAAAGk/OJIeQWPS7oY/s1600/DSC03287.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-txlUvpuzKiI/TnpLh71kzHI/AAAAAAAAAGk/OJIeQWPS7oY/s320/DSC03287.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654915328487246962" /></a><br />Inside the courtyard of Sultan's Palace, Istanbul<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WlnxwScfei4/TnpNlCvyS9I/AAAAAAAAAHE/L4hqqNjEM_g/s1600/DSC03348.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WlnxwScfei4/TnpNlCvyS9I/AAAAAAAAAHE/L4hqqNjEM_g/s320/DSC03348.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654917580904877010" /></a><br />Rhodes (where I first swam in the Mediterranean)<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FE_5ts72Jkw/TnpNk5saNBI/AAAAAAAAAG8/MeRbATMTY5s/s1600/DSC03328.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 72px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FE_5ts72Jkw/TnpNk5saNBI/AAAAAAAAAG8/MeRbATMTY5s/s320/DSC03328.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654917578474796050" /></a><br />Istanbul - Topkapki (the Sultan's Palace)<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-d_8masSdYac/TnpOrA4B_cI/AAAAAAAAAHM/QO6wcXWqxDs/s1600/DSC03344.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-d_8masSdYac/TnpOrA4B_cI/AAAAAAAAAHM/QO6wcXWqxDs/s320/DSC03344.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654918782993432002" /></a><br />Inside Topkapi<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8iB-PAexa3E/TnpOrUyJltI/AAAAAAAAAHU/jxbi6BGmMfM/s1600/DSC03355.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 178px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8iB-PAexa3E/TnpOrUyJltI/AAAAAAAAAHU/jxbi6BGmMfM/s320/DSC03355.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654918788337473234" /></a><br />The Blue Mosque<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yFFcosmH2_A/TnpPZqVEjzI/AAAAAAAAAHk/UBhg--n75LU/s1600/DSC03429.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yFFcosmH2_A/TnpPZqVEjzI/AAAAAAAAAHk/UBhg--n75LU/s320/DSC03429.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654919584395071282" /></a><br />Inside Hagia Sophia<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VU3ZwKMX5FU/TnpPZWydydI/AAAAAAAAAHc/2aqab-TIjlA/s1600/DSC03398.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VU3ZwKMX5FU/TnpPZWydydI/AAAAAAAAAHc/2aqab-TIjlA/s320/DSC03398.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654919579149650386" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-26999769196438405142011-08-18T18:13:00.000-07:002011-08-18T18:32:30.633-07:00CommunityCan I tell you about our community? In most cases, we live at least 30-40 minutes drive from any of these people, but we are as close as ever in spirit. Twice a week, Cameron and I get the pleasure of sharing their company. Corporately, on Sundays, we meet at Rose Hill Junior High School in Kirkland for service at 10AM. It is early, for me (a night owl by career, not choice), but so delightful!<div>
<br /></div><div>On Wednesdays, we meet as a small group at our friend, Liz's house in Woodinville. There are usually 10-15 of us. We chat for awhile, talking about our lives and our needs. We lift each other up in prayer. Then we talk about whichever book we have been reading throughout the week (right now, Francis Chan's 'Crazy Love'). We always end with good food and lots more talking. This group of people is incredible! I am constantly amazed at the fervor they have for life, serving others, and honoring our great God! I leave every Wednesday night with a new fire in my heart (Cameron can attest to this - while he's been at school, he hasn't had much of a support group in Cheney and I sometimes exhaust him with my energy over the phone). </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Our pastor, Dave, just told us that approximately 40% of the student population at the school where we meet will be on reduced or free lunches this upcoming schoolyear. Because of that, we are trying to collect money for some grocery gift cards for these families. This spurred a thought in my mind - why can't we directly provide the food and meet some of these people? I always prefer to see where my money is going. So, I hopped online and found an organic farm in Puyallup, Mother Earth Farm (<a href="http://www.efoodnet.org/Page11.aspx">http://www.efoodnet.org/Page11.aspx</a>), which supplies food banks and hungry families with fresh produce. It also provides educational opportunities for schoolchildren in the planting season. I am hoping to serve there soon, harvesting some of the late summer crop. Maybe this will even turn into an opportunity to bring food back for the people in my local community. If anyone is interested in serving with me, please comment or contact me. Serving together is such a great way to get to know one another!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-50695077594758452902011-08-18T17:58:00.000-07:002011-08-18T18:12:48.663-07:00FreedomOf all the things to post about, here I go on the ONE thing I do not want to share with anyone.<div>
<br /></div><div><i>I hate change. </i></div><div>
<br /></div><div>That's not the news - that's just the disclaimer. </div><div>
<br /></div><div><i>We are not ready to buy a house.</i></div><div>
<br /></div><div>That may not strike you as awful, terrible news. But, for me, it broke my heart. We have been planning this for awhile, going to the bank to talk with the loan officer, meeting mortgage brokers and asking questions. Finally, we agreed to meet with the real estate agent our loan officer recommended. Over waters at Starbucks (not drinking coffee makes us pretty boring), Cameron got a chance to "read" him. We gleaned so much information from him, scheduled a tour of the Woodinville/Monroe area, and went out on our journey a few days later. We toured 4 properties, one of which I fell in love with. I'm pretty sure it was close to Cameron's dream place, as well. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Let me describe it for you: simple rambler painted robin's egg blue (ah, heaven) with covered porch (finished porch with recessed lighting, I might add). There was a separate 2-car garage converted into a shop, a well room with storage, a chicken coop/storage shed, AND a separate studio/office with built-in cabinets (no bathroom, though). The house was simple, beautiful, and fairly light (a huge necessity for us). But, the kicker was the property. Gorgeous, rolling hills - 3 acres of them. Perfect, open farm property. And a pasture for the goats we will someday have. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I tell you, I dream of the day when I can cuddle in the grass with my kids and my animals all snuggled around me. I can't wait to pick up warm eggs from the chicken coop and watch my goats eat the weeds around my lush garden (of course it will have to be fenced in). </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Once again, though, I made an idol of something not to be worshiped. Someday, a house will be right for us. When it is, we will feel peace about it. Cameron did not feel that. And, let me tell you, it was H-A-R-D for me to follow him this time. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I love being married. It is a huge blessing. And it is rarely this difficult, but I made a decision to make Cameron my leader. He is my spiritual authority. I have to learn to trust him in making decisions. And you know what? Choosing to honor his request for me to stop looking for and blabbering about houses has been a huge relief. I had no idea how obsessed I had been. It was like a noose around my neck. Allowing him to lead is freeing. And, when that someday comes, it will be great, because we will have chosen it together. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-80220021086609725782011-07-26T11:40:00.000-07:002011-07-26T11:52:43.605-07:00Crazy ladyI need some BALANCE!<div><br /></div><div>I'm sure we all feel this way at some point. A few weeks ago, I asked myself what I had accomplished in the past few months. Honestly, I could not think of much. A few things came to mind that I wanted to try: 1) Starting my own business, sewing reusable sandwich bags (need a brand name!!!); 2) Getting a 2nd job somewhere I enjoyed and could get a discount (Pacific Fabrics); or 3) Volunteering my time to an organization I wanted to invest in. </div><div><br /></div><div>After talking these over with Cameron, he suggested either the bags or volunteering. I've been working on a few bags, steadily, but building a business seems to take time, and I'm not quite ready to start my Etsy store, yet. There is a lovely lady, Pat Masters, who essentially runs our church office in Kirkland. She was more than happy to put me to work when I asked her if I could help. So, my days are starting to fill up with visits to the office to print bulletins, nametags, and work on the website calendar. It's nearly mindless work, which is a nice change from the place that shall remain nameless. I like the idea of showing up in cute clothes to type on a computer and take a few phone calls, then leaving with my head still attached to my body and my hair in order. </div><div><br /></div><div>Needless to say, I add things to my own plate. I'm happy volunteering; that is the last thing I'm complaining about. It truly makes me happy. It's just one example of how I can turn from having nothing to do in the morning, to having every single day on my calendar filled in completely. I literally have about an hour to myself every day, and that means rushing around to get my workout/shower bag ready, nutritious lunch and dinner packed, and scrubs/Danskos/badge thrown in the back of the Subaru. I'm living out of that vehicle - I love our car, but it's getting a bit annoying. </div><div><br /></div><div>Makes me dream of sometime next year, when I envision things changing quite a bit. Every day is "just one more day - you can do it!" </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-80818672773272453892011-07-07T17:56:00.000-07:002011-07-07T19:24:15.937-07:00Summer Days<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-scTHnsMbOg0/ThZbmE_bpBI/AAAAAAAAAE8/DLm4ULap3H8/s1600/DSC01819.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-scTHnsMbOg0/ThZbmE_bpBI/AAAAAAAAAE8/DLm4ULap3H8/s320/DSC01819.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626785494178964498" /></a><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cMs9ICCCCoo/ThZblyI7dLI/AAAAAAAAAE0/dKT3BMn52Lw/s1600/DSC01992.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cMs9ICCCCoo/ThZblyI7dLI/AAAAAAAAAE0/dKT3BMn52Lw/s320/DSC01992.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626785489118524594" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"><u><br /></u></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"><u><br /></u></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yJLMEECADfg/ThZZlz9ZtbI/AAAAAAAAAEc/69C_jIo3AYc/s1600/DSC01819.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><br /></a></div>I got my fill of beautiful summer. And it's only July. Oh, yes!<div><br /></div><div>We decided to pack it up and go backpacking last week. A lovely nurse at work agreed to work one of my days, so I could spend an extra with my hubby. We drove South to Vancouver, but it was raining. Very hard. Not wishing to slug our equipment up a hill on our backs 5 miles and camp in a puddle, we kept driving. And driving. And... we drove to Napa Valley. We had 2 lovely days </div><div><ul><li>exploring the little towns along Highway 29, </li><li>eating fresh herb bread, soppressata, pecorino cheese, and delicious caesar salad at a vineyard,</li><li>Cameron bought me a beautiful little black summer dress, </li><li>we had a fancy Italian dinner complete with a bottle of red wine (mmmm), </li><li>I crossed off 'mud bath' from my bucket list (yep - clay, peat moss, and hot mineral water - watch out for those 'hot spots'!),</li><li>Cameron mud-bathed with me, </li><li>we had a very pleasant night's sleep in Calistoga, CA,</li><li>and we woke up to the hot SUN and lounged by the pool reading our Bibles.</li></ul><div>I did NOT want to leave! On the other hand, I had a very handsome man ushering me to a good-looking vehicle, offering to drive me 15 hours over the mountains and through the Redwoods back home-sweet-home. And we enjoyed our leftovers from lunch (yes, I do love picnics, especially with bread and cheese). </div></div><div><br /></div><div>All completely spontaneous. I LOVE my husband!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-28860133388326627502011-05-27T22:41:00.000-07:002011-05-27T23:02:38.924-07:00Date night<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GhwL8kcoz6I/TeCP5DPDdiI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/x1LCimNQX_M/s1600/john_howie_steak_logo.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GhwL8kcoz6I/TeCP5DPDdiI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/x1LCimNQX_M/s200/john_howie_steak_logo.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611643345987401250" /></a><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LyuT-MEmpX0/TeCPa5XyGrI/AAAAAAAAAEI/qxFWUlculyY/s1600/productimage-picture-veggie-patch-eggplant-purple-1350.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LyuT-MEmpX0/TeCPa5XyGrI/AAAAAAAAAEI/qxFWUlculyY/s200/productimage-picture-veggie-patch-eggplant-purple-1350.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611642827943582386" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sfVTJyTGf9I/TeCPN4bS1VI/AAAAAAAAAEA/cfVbAicQJgQ/s1600/productimage-picture-veggie-patch-eggplant-purple-1350.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"></a>I have the BEST husband in the world! Date night tonight started with business: we had to deal with his retirement fund from working at the hospital - transferring to a Roth IRA. Yeah, I learn new things every day. I told him I was glad we like doing the same things together (like finances and going to Safeway to get gas - not really - he knew I was joking). <div><br /></div><div>Then we used our Groupon to John Howie steak - we split Prime Rib, a twice-baked potato, and a bleu cheese/iceberg wedge salad. It was MORE than enough for the both of us and the horseradish on the prime rib was SOOOOOO good. My new obsession. This is good, because we got a voucher for $15 on a meal this summer. Guess where we'll be when Cameron gets home from school? </div><div><br /></div><div>We bought a desktop iMac today, also. This was a major breakthrough. I didn't even have to fight him on it - he just up and decided one day that it wasn't worth fighting over MAC vs PC and he could live with a dual operating system on a MAC. So, we bought one. It ships in 2 days!!! No more laptops for us soon!</div><div><br /></div><div>Our lovely date night ended at Pacific Fabrics. This is why I have the best husband in the world! It was his idea to take me here. This is pretty much my heaven on earth. I asked Cameron when I died to please spread my ashes at Pacific Fabrics. Morbid, maybe, but I guess I'll just be happy while I'm still here to wedge myself between the Japanese quilt we both love and my favorite eggplant print (which I'd really love to go back and purchase). </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>The older ladies in the store get a kick out of our conversations. It goes something like Me: "OOOOHHHH - look at this one. Imagine what it would look like on..."; Cameron, sarcastically, "Oh, yes... that's very nice. Uh, I don't think so." He knows I love it, though, or else he wouldn't have taken me there. I left with a few essentials - some velcro for my reusable sandwich bags and new needles for my sewing machine (I'm learning how NOT to break them). </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-70734918801887560072011-05-09T10:41:00.000-07:002011-05-09T10:55:46.874-07:00WeekendThe last few weeks, I have been truly enjoying my 'atypical' (for me) weekends. Since Cameron and I have been married, every other weekend has been spent at the hospital, usually in the evening, which ruins any weekend plans we may have. At one very low point in my spiritual life, I was working Saturday and Sunday 12-hour days shifts (7a-7p). I am not implying that working this shift causes spiritual deadness, but for me, it was a time in life where I did not feel God's presence or life in my heart. <div><br /></div><div>So, lately, my weekends have been spent serving and loving on my husband, who goes without me the 'other 5 days'. Lots of cookies, fresh-baked bread, and cuddling. And more kissing than we probably did in our whole first 3 years of marriage (before he left for school). Every moment I'm with him, I want to kiss those beautiful lips! Being together is like life again. Right now, I don't feel dead, but I feel like I am missing a big part of 'me'. It's an odd sensation to sort of float through your week. Of course, I see his mom and my family and have meaningful relationships and good conversation, but my other half is missing. And he's not even there when I crawl in bed at night. That is the weirdest. </div><div><br /></div><div>During nursing school, I didn't see a lot of Cameron, either (except for summers and school breaks), because we were both working. But, I did have him at home with me when we both went to bed. I could talk to him and work through things that were bothering me. I am so thankful for that. And I know this experience will make me even more grateful for the little things in life. Even when we're living in Cheney with no friends or family or anything familiar, I will have my helper. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, to Cameron, I love you and had a wonderful, relaxing, very real weekend with you! I am praying for you in your classes and the friendships you are developing in Cheney. You are a light and an inspiration for me. Thank you for serving me and loving me in a Christlike way. I am excited for how we are growing together! </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-11517407699586858142011-05-02T09:26:00.000-07:002011-05-02T09:59:03.815-07:00A Psalm and a crazy lady<div>I suppose I should not be shocked that, while reading through the Psalms, I find almost every verse has application to my life. For example, Psalm 6:</div><div><br /></div><div>"LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger, nor chasten me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away; Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. And my soul is greatly dismayed; But You, O LORD - how long? Return, O LORD, rescue my soul; save me because of Your lovingkindness. For there is no mention of You in death; In Sheol who will give You thanks? <i> I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with tears.</i> My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of all my adversaries. Depart from me, all you who do iniquity. <i>For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping. The LORD has heard my supplication, the LORD receives my prayer.</i> All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed; they shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed."</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know about enemies; I suppose that some might see this as a spiritual attack. But Cameron and I, with God's leading, <i>chose</i> this. We chose to be separated for a time, to further his education and the life that we hope for, when he can work to support us and I can take care of our children. The reason I am still in Sammamish and he is in Cheney, is that I have a good career; my <i>job</i> now is to support him so he can study hard. However, I am realizing that the longing of my heart is to be near my husband. I knew this all along; I knew I would feel this way. I just didn't know how badly it would hurt. And I need to let myself cry out to the LORD!</div><div><br /></div><div>Most days, I brush off the loneliness. I look out at the rain and gloomy sky, go to work, eat, go to the gym, come home and lie in bed alone. It seems a depressing lot. Lately, the LORD has been drawing me to Himself, though. He has whispered in my heart, "I am your <i>comfort</i>!" He has been calling me to call upon Him - to let Him know how I am feeling. To deeply cry out to Him. The first time I did this, I was scared. I do fear the wrath of God - not in the respect that I think He will smite me, but that He will be angry with what I am asking for. I have always been very <i>careful</i> with my requests to God. I started journaling my prayer to Him at night and it has been incredibly freeing! It is like I unwrapped a gift that has been waiting for me my whole life. I seem to be able to write my thoughts much clearer than I could ever express them just rambling on in my head (or speaking aloud). It keeps me in focus and directs my thoughts clearly. I find myself journaling in church now, or when I'm bored with nothing to do. Incredible - a new way of communicating with my redeeming Father!</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm also reading another book, 'Perfect Hormone Balance for Pregnancy'. I find myself dealing with this conundrum in life many times. I get carried away so easily; you could say I am easily swayed. Cameron, especially, notices this and is very helpful at keeping me grounded, so it's difficult to 'ground myself' when he's away. Over the past week, I was telling him of what I've been reading and thinking about. </div><div><br /></div><div>It went something like this, "I don't want to eat any red meat or fish or any dairy products or produce that is not organic while I'm pregnant. Did you know that our mouths are filled with bacteria that are potentially dangerous and toxic to a fetus? I need to brush my teeth twice a day when I'm pregnant - You should, too. The book says that you can pass on that bacteria to me by kissing me, then I could pass it on to our baby." Cameron is all the while thinking, "Whoah, crazy lady. Slow down. We're not there, yet." He told me to stop worrying and take things one step at a time. IE - pick one thing to focus on bettering in yourself and don't take it to the extreme! Thank you, hubby, for once again grounding me. I can't change the world in a day! All I want is to do my best to be healthy! </div><div><br /></div><div>I am thanking the LORD for my strong body, today; for the blessing of having a gym that I can take my frustrations out in; for strong legs to take me all the places the LORD wants me to go; for a strong heart and strong lungs to help me push harder.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429086231344040050.post-72510438934815742532011-04-06T00:28:00.000-07:002011-04-06T00:58:49.735-07:00Some tips on being a patientI am awestruck at the selfishness of some people. I am beginning to believe that the 'Hotel Bellevue' stereotype of one of the places (ahem) I spend a lot of time is true. And I'm desperately hoping for something more satisfying... someday. It is so discouraging to me to go 'serve' everyday, knowing that no matter how much I give or how compassionate or empathetic I am, maybe once in a blue moon my patient will thank me or feel close to me at the end of our day. I understand some people are not as verbal about their feelings as I am, especially to complete strangers, but I am beginning to see the incredible value in looking someone in the eyes and THANKING them. With a genuine smile.<div><br /></div><div>I have been trying this at the grocery store and other various places I receive service. People are not very good about receiving thanks, either, I'm noticing. Maybe it's the busy pace of most service industries like grocery stores, but I think we have become a culture that is uncomfortable with "too close" encounters. We like to keep people at a safe distance, where we can control our little environment, ignore whoever we deem necessary, and get all the things done in the day that we had planned. You know, sometimes being flexible and dropping an agenda or ten can show another human being the value of their presence. </div><div><br /></div><div>Back to the story about 'Hotel Bellevue'. The person I had the pleasure of serving this afternoon was very distraught when I got there. I spent 20 minutes with her at the beginning of my busy shift, just listening, not making any excuses for people who had clearly, in her mind, screwed up. I reassured her that I was here for her and that if she needed anything (even just to talk), all she had to do was call me. </div><div><br /></div><div>I thought we had gotten started on a great foot. Throughout the course of the night, we became busy with our other 5 patients, as well. By the end of the night, she was accusing me of "fighting" with her, arguing that my way was the best way, and telling her that I controlled what time she received her medications (well, that part is sort of true, which is why you want to be nice to your nurse - one note, I try my very best to be "on time"; I never promise that I will be anywhere at a certain time, but I do request my patients to call me and make friendly reminders). Funny, because I distinctly remember sharing with her at the start that I was there to make her comfortable and that my job was NOT to tell her what to do. My patients all have free will - they can at any point, get up and leave the hospital (it is not a prison, after all), refuse medication, or refuse treatment. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know that patients realize that we (I) have feelings, too. Sometimes, I am just expected to relax and 'not take it personally' (as the wife of a verbally abusive, yet fully cognizant man told me the previous evening). It hurts when someone turns on you and breaks the trust you believed you had with them. It hurts when they tell people things that are not true about you or make up stories as to WHY you did what you did. How in the world could she get inside my mind, heart, or motivation? </div><div><br /></div><div>It is getting increasingly difficult to put on the happy face. So, by the end of the night, I admit, I was looking her dead in the face with the most blank stare you could imagine. She just didn't deserve the smile or the 'nice nurse' anymore. Not after hours of mutilation and verbal abuse. When she asked me to reposition her limb for the 3rd time in an hour, but she "didn't want to take up too much of my <i>precious</i> time", I stood holding the limb, repositioning the pillows, doing exactly as she asked. No mercy. No smile. That is NOT how I want things done in my practice. So, please, folks, if you go in for surgery (elective, emergent, urgent, however it's done), please be NICE to your nurse! Be considerate. Ask politely. Don't demand. Do ask personal questions, but not to later use against her. Smile. And don't wait until your pain is a '10' every time. And if you get tired of the long lists of 'dos' and 'don'ts', DO NOT come to join me at the place I serve (ahem). Thank you and good night.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04489733367734460587noreply@blogger.com0