Monday, August 6, 2012

Crazy, Splendid...Life

Life has been crazy. Our 3 Chinese exchange students just left yesterday. For 3 weeks, we housed, fed, and transported our kids to classes and events. 'Parenting' three 11 year-olds is not easy, especially when they don't speak your language. Our biggest regret was that we took more than one child in, so they fell into their native Mandarin instead of practicing their English. This despite our constant insistence that they speak so we can understand. :) But, they were good, sweet children.
I have an ache in my heart. It seems my longing for children has never been stronger. With only 2 months and 4 days since we lost Levi, my body reminds me every day that it is not the same as before I was pregnant with my little boy. I can only imagine that this all would be easier if I were holding my precious bundle in my arms.
Lately, the urge to adopt has been on my heart. I think God is changing us for the better through this terrible situation. Cameron has talked with me before about his desire to adopt a child (or a few). He told me once that for every child God blesses us with biologically, he would want to adopt one. I do count Levi as 'our first biological child'. When my patients ask me if I have children, I tell them we just had our firstborn by stillbirth. It is not fun to relive that moment, and I could tell them "No, we have no children." But, it would be a half-lie; more importantly, it would deny my son his importance in my life. That little boy changed me forever. He created a longing in my heart to mother.
I told myself when we left the hospital that I would return to normal life and try my best to live as I had before. While that is a good goal, it is somewhat impractical. I cannot and will not forget Levi and our experience of losing him. My life WILL be changed. It is what I do with my loss that defines 'normal life' for me. And normal will never be the same again.

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