Saturday, June 2, 2012

For my son

Levi, my beautiful son, I haven't met you out here, yet, but Mommy loves you with a love that no one else can understand. You have grown up so wondrously within me, as only formed by the great Creator of life. Acts 17:28, "It is in Him that we live and move and exist". I do not understand now, but you were not formed to live and breathe on this earth, only the short 23 weeks I was blessed to carry you. Your daddy would pray every night for you that (at first) you would be a beautiful, wise child, filled with grace, and grown up to love and serve our LORD, then 2 1/2 weeks ago (when we found out we were having a son) that you would be a beautiful BOY, filled with grace, and raised to love and serve His Master. We were so excited for your life, Levi. A big brother to your future siblings (of which we wanted many). Now, I would be happy to just have you. My one child. I would be happy to hold you and love you and raise you well until you were pushing independence and I had to watch you struggle and make mistakes. I was looking forward, personally, to watching you model life after your daddy, a wonderful man who I've watched blossom into a warrior for Jesus. I was looking forward to life when I could stay at home and we could play together until daddy walked in the door from work and you would run into his arms. You were meant to be a daddy's boy, I know. Your dad adores you so much. His heart is hurting now, too, but that is not my story to tell. He has written to you and I have read of the incredible pain he is going through and the difficulty of losing his first son. I can only pray that you, my child, were not in any pain as our LORD welcomed you home. Whatever happened, whether we find out or not, I rest assured that our good GOD has a plan and purpose for your life. Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" If nothing else, it was for our benefit and growth on this earth as a couple, to draw us closer to our Savior. I believe, though, that I will be using this gift as a ministry to many broken women around me, who need an understanding shoulder to cry on. There is something about a mama's heart that breaks with another's. It's even different and more intimate when the pain of losing your child is shared. I hope I can be a support to other suffering women. And I pray that your daddy uses his gift, as well, to the glory of God the Father. Levi, I will have much more to say when I kiss your sweet head. These things are not things I would write for others. They are things I have been dreaming of telling you since I knew I was carrying you, precious little one. I am meeting you so much sooner than I ever anticipated. But God's timing is perfect, not a step out of tune. We are following in his path, and He is providing for us. God give me strength to be a good mother to you in our few moments here on earth.

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